Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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