this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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