she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
