Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think my vagina is haunted
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
