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I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
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I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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