At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
