Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
