one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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