walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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