Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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