it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
