my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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