Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
