laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
