jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
