Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
