You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
