I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
