Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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