I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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