Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
