my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
