Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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