awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
