And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize