I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
