Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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