just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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