I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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