Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
