oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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