he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
