Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
