Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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