Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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