im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
foreskin is a definite game changer
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
