My hand turned me down
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
