Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
