Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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