I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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