you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
