my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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