you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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