from now on my penis is your penis
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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