the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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