so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
