i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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