fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just invented taco cereal.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You ruined the universe
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