I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
