I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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