So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
