dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
