I could have mohawked her pubes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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