Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
