My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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