i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
