dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sober January is a disaster.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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