Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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