the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
