We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
