I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
