he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
