I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
