I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
